This is how we do it: ‘My life with my lover exists in a different universe to my marriage’ | Life and style

Viviana, 72

There was always a sense that we were psychically, as well as physically, merged

Sebastian and I have been together for seven years, but we haven’t had sex – or even seen each other – for the past two. Sebastian is married and our relationship is a secret. We met through work, but when Sebastian retired, he moved 300 miles away.

These days, he is with his wife 24/7 doing retirement activities. But before he moved away, we were able to spend at least one day a month together. He’d arrive on my doorstep, and the first thing I’d do is press my mouth to his, not to kiss, but to breathe in one another’s breath. The sex that followed felt like an extension of that strange, intimate breath: there was always a sense that we were psychically, as well as physically merged.

We may not have seen each other for two years, but I still feel fused with him. We usually exchange 40-60 messages a day. Some are erotic, but many are mundane. The constant communication keeps our relationship fuelled and intense. I’ve felt more emotionally distant from partners who I was actually living with.

Of course, there are times when our situation feels desperate. We were almost able to meet this past summer and had put months of planning into it. He booked tickets to a gig he knew his wife would never want to see, and so was able to travel alone. But then I got Covid, and we had to cancel. We were both shattered with disappointment. We are now back to trying again, but the reality is that even in the best of all possible worlds, we won’t get to see each other more than twice a year.

I don’t feel jealous of Sebastian’s wife because there is no way that anything in his marriage could be akin to the intensity of what we share. I genuinely don’t think I’m taking anything away from her. They are dedicated to one another, but there isn’t the kind of intensity between them that would be diminished by him paying attention to me. I have never felt any guilt, because I view this relationship as a gift. I was 65 when this began, and I’m 72 now. The way I see it, if something this special is put in front of you, you can’t walk away from it.

Sebastian,65

My relationship with Viviana is not a replacement for something that may or may not be missing elsewhere

The first time I kissed Viviana was at her home, pressed up against the wall in her hallway. I was meant to be visiting for a casual lunch, and the attraction came out of nowhere for both of us. I remember leaning in to greet her at the door, smelling her scent, and feeling overwhelmed. As we kissed, she said to me: “How married are you?” I replied: “Very married.” That was seven years ago – and I don’t think we’ve ever explicitly discussed my marriage since.

I don’t feel guilty about our relationship, because I have conceptualised my relationship with Viviana as existing in a completely different universe to my marriage. Viviana and I have a keen interest in theoretical physics and the concept of the multiverse helps us – we never discuss my marriage because it simply does not exist in our world. My marriage is perfectly wonderful and fulfilling. My relationship with Viviana is not a replacement for something that may or may not be missing elsewhere.

I miss Viviana very much, but we are creative, and are able to adapt our relationship to our situation. Over time, we have developed codes, so we can communicate our sexual activities almost as a secret language.

Any reference to “ice-cream”, for example, implies a recent orgasm. I write her love letters and send her handmade jewellery, and we are constantly sharing images and videos as a way of staying connected. We have built up a collection of more than 10,000 images that we refer to as our “archive”. If she mentions the colour red, in passing, for example, I might send her an image of her red-painted nails from several years ago. Updating and returning to our archive is more than just a way of keeping a record, it is our way of giving our relationship reality and history. I don’t see my messaging with Viviana as impinging on my relationship with my wife – I feel like that communication is going on in a parallel universe to my existence at home.

Whereas other partnerships calm down over time, ours has maintained an intensity comparable with a new, budding relationship. Of course we miss each other, but the flirting, planning and anticipation keeps the passion level high. It was desperately disappointing when we missed seeing each other last summer, but while the distance is a challenge, it has also become a part of our ongoing dance.