This is how we do it: ‘We were both anxious when we met, but our sex life is a lot of fun now’ | Sex

Harry, 71

My body just reacted. I suddenly felt, I’d love to take this person to bed just to get closer to her

I had a wonderful partner who died suddenly six years ago. I gave up hope for a while, but eventually started dating. I wasn’t sure I’d ever fall in love again, or meet somebody I’d want to be with for the rest of my life. So I was surprised when I met Meredith and we hit it off. We’ve now been together for two and a half years, and I probably have a constant smile on my face.

I think I have quite a big sex drive. Not ridiculous, but I’ve always enjoyed it. I could never understand why people would spend a fortune on a meal and wine, when sex and intimacy are the most wonderful free thing and can bring such happiness – and the experience lingers way longer than a gulp of red wine.

I was really anxious when Meredith and I first slept together, on our fourth date. I’ve never had problems achieving or maintaining an erection but I was worried whether I would be able to stay firm when I was with somebody else after my wife, or whether the picture of her would come into my mind. I even bought some Viagra. But my body just reacted. It’s as simple as that. I suddenly felt: I’d love to take this person to bed just to get closer to her.

I’m quite happy just pleasing Meredith. I enjoy it so much, especially going down on her. In the bedroom I try to play a little game to guess what’s going to turn her on. She might want me to gently lick and kiss her, or it might just be a hug. She’s very open about what she likes and we often spend hours discussing what’s bad or good, and what we can do to improve our love life – not just sex but our relationship.

There’s a 14-year gap between us, and I wonder if that will catch up with me, and how Meredith will feel about it. But after losing my wife so suddenly, it made me realise that I shouldn’t worry about the future.

So I’m just going to enjoy being in the moment: like climbing naked into bed with Meredith, drinking a cup of tea and just chatting, which usually leads to us making love.

Meredith, 57

I didn’t connect with my vulva really, and I was apprehensive to start with when Harry and I first slept together

I separated from my husband of over a decade in 2020. After a couple of years being single, I wanted to find someone I could have a serious relationship with, but also a lot of fun – something that had been missing in my marriage. The idea of a dating site was daunting but exciting. Harry was my first date.

Prior to meeting Harry, sex had never been a priority. My husband had a very Victorian attitude to sex – he wouldn’t go down on me and our sex life was very repetitive.

But Harry and I have such a good sex life that I think: “Christ, this is what I’ve been missing.” It’s been a revelation, particularly with cunnilingus. Because of my husband’s almost disgust of it, I just cut out that part of my body. I didn’t connect with my vulva, and I was apprehensive about it when Harry and I first slept together. I felt my body tighten up and couldn’t let go.

But Harry is a competent, confident lover. He kept saying: “Sweetheart, I absolutely love doing this.” It took me a while to accept that he did, but now I just let go and enjoy it, too. And that’s probably been one of the biggest changes for me sexually: it’s a pleasure for him and a huge pleasure for me.

We live about an hour apart and see each other at weekends. We’ve worked out that having sex in the morning works for us. We are very intimate and tactile, and kiss a lot. Kissing is really important and it’s always how things start, as that’s how Harry gets aroused.

We approach our whole relationship like a work in progress. We’ll have a review every now and then, where we each talk uninterrupted about every aspect of our relationship. That includes talking about sex, which I had never really done before. We discuss what we like, what we want, how to keep it fresh and have fun. And we do have a lot of fun.